Relationship: Getting back out there ... again

The breakup has been over for a while now and your friends are telling you to get back out there and meet a nice guy or gal. But every time you hear it, chills run up your spine.

Yes, the dating world is a scary place, but it beats the hell out of waking up one morning alone and thinking about checking into a rest home. The truth is that dating in this day and age can be dangerous. I have known many people who dated seemingly nice folks who have turned into stalkers and abusers. There are bad people out there, and some people date others just so they can cause emotional pain.

To help you avoid the vampires ("Twilight" fans excepted), here are some tips, most learned the hard way, for navigating the rapids of the rushing rivers of dating.

-- Avoid the bar scene. Really, this is not the place to meet the love of your life. Though some claim success, most of those I've interviewed say it never really worked for them. If you're just looking for a hook-up, a bar may be your best bet. But if you want a real relationship, try a different approach.

-- Ask friends to introduce you to someone. This is my favorite way of meeting someone. A mutual friend knows both of you, so the due diligence is done and the first date will be much less awkward if there can be a double date that includes the mutual friend. This method of dating is not only safer, but is more fun and less scary than just picking someone up. So ask your friends. Then keep reminding them, and then go to as many parties as you can. Also, never turn down a wedding invitation -- love is always present at a wedding.

-- These days, you can't avoid the Internet -- and you shouldn't. There are millions of singles on hundreds of dating sites, and many people have reconnected with old loves through Facebook. So you've got lots of company on the Internet, and your chances of meeting someone are pretty high.

Of course, you need to consider that not everyone is looking for the same thing you are, so make sure you state in your profile that you aren't interested in a booty-call. You will also need to get a good head shot, because this is your calling card.

To stay safe, I recommend against using your real name at first, setting up a separate e-mail account for making initial contact, and making sure that your caller ID is blocked when you get to the telephoning stage.

If you eventually decide to meet, make the first date at a public place, just for coffee, and during daylight hours.

Dating again can be a challenge, but if you get good results, it's well worth the effort.

For a free copy of my Top 10 Tips for Internet Dating, send an e-mail to barton(at)bartongoldsmith.com with the words "Internet dating tips" in the subject line.

(Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a marriage and family therapist in Westlake, Calif., is the author, most recently, of "100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence -- Believe in Yourself and Others Will Too." He also hosts "Emotional Fitness" on NPR. E-mail him at barton(at)bartongoldsmith.com.)

EMOTIONAL FITNESS