Relationship: Holiday time and feelings

When the holidays arrive, they bring with them the feeling of hope. And, for many, the desire to find or to become closer with someone they care for. Almost all of us want to share this time of year, and many have some sadness about doing it alone.

When I think about those alone years, I don't recall much. Loading up the sleigh with gifts for friends and relatives. Going to other people's homes and playing Santa -- or Hanukkah Harry, as we used to call him. It filled the gap pretty well. The point is, unless you choose to stay isolated, there are many who will welcome you into their home to break bread and share in the season.

When visiting others, don't worry about bringing gifts. If there will be children around, perhaps getting them something small, even a $5 gift card, will show you care. Otherwise, your presence is better than any present you could buy.

You see, the people who welcome you to their holiday table also get the gift of being there for someone else, and that can only make you feel good inside. The whole thing should be heartwarming.

Yes, there will be mishaps; milk will spill, corks will fall into bottles and someone is going to say something that will make your toes curl. Take it all in stride. Nothing is perfect, and if you crave perfection, you will miss out on most of the joy. Life is not and never will be perfect, but we can have great days and events.

Remember, we get disappointed when our expectations don't get met. If you have reasonable preferences instead of expectations, there will be little reason for feeling like you didn't get what you wanted for the holidays. And I'm not talking toys here.

I think we all want to create some wonderful memories, no matter what time of year, but something about this season amplifies that desire. Somewhere in our heads there may be a tally sheet that is keeping track of all the good and all the bad that happens around the holidays. I thought that was Santa's job, but no matter. We should all check our internal lists (at least twice) and make sure we have our attitudes adjusted, so we are in tune with the true meaning of the season.

For me, it's simple. I just wish for more love all the way around. If you feel like you don't have enough just now, then give some away, because it almost always comes back. If you are holding a grudge with a family member or other loved one, drop it. It isn't that hard, and you will be giving yourself one of the best presents ever.

Holding onto what is good, true and loving is a great way to make your life feel like a constant holiday.

(Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist in Westlake Village, Calif., is the author, most recently, of "100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence -- Believe in Yourself and Others Will Too." Email him at Barton(at)BartonGoldsmith.com.)

(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.scrippsnews.com)

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